Ode to my soul.

Why do you love me?

 

Because I’m crazy,

And you match my level of craziness.

Course you need me at times,

Not only desperate times  but always.

Talks so random from star dust to visions

Dark magic to atoms.

Everything makes sense.

Maybe this is what life is.

It’s meant to be lived.

If there’s one person I’d love to run away with,

It would be you.

Paint on the streets,

sing a merry song

Live a magical life.

Here’s why I love you,

Cos you need me,

I need you,

And we both need each other

No matter what.

 

 

When life happened.

I remember the first time my mom held my hand and took me to school. We were walking past the highway, dusty roads, as I was bugging asking her to lift me in her arms, I ask my mom,

Me: Why should I go to school?

Mom: Because you have to become a doctor or an engineer!

I was barely 5 years old, and I had no clue what being a doctor or being an engineer meant. I just made some weird expression and quickly got distracted by looking at an ice cream candy shop nearby.

Mom: You’ll understand soon. For now just think about reaching tenth standard. You’re in first standard.

Quickly, I do the mental math. Counting my fingers, I started grumbling, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and ten! Who knew what my mom spoke about anyway? I just wanted that ice cream candy right away!

Mom brought me an ice cream, and she asked me to be a good girl and stay at school and study well. She also promised to buy me chocolates if I behaved well at school. Every evening I would wait for my mom to come pick me up in her arms, and take me home. This is what heaven meant to me! My mom’s arms! Gosh I love her. I would do anything for her.

All I had on my mind was to be a topper of my school, because I knew that made my mom happy.

Time waits for none.

2008 was here, I stepped into my tenth standard.

Neighbor aunty, relatives had only one sentence at the tip of their tongue-“What next?”

My mom had this ideology to turn her daughter into a doctor or an engineer, she was confused about both due to which I ended up taking a combination of physics, math, chemistry and biology in pre university so that my options remain open.

I noticed a common trait among my peers who were girls, most of them were married off, few quit school, and I don’t know what happened next. But I kept pondering over one thing which my mom told ages ago. Engineer or a doctor! My mom noticed something was bothering me, she calls me across, gives me a tight hug and says, “My dear you’re different, you’re not here to just get married off to someone else and lead a life which everyone else did. I want you to be independent.” Further she continues, I want you to become an engineer or a doctor because everyone earns decent money through that occupation. That way you’ll be independent and you’ll have respect for yourself in society. I stared at the wall, kissed my mom and told her that I’ll make her proud someday.

Fast forward, 2014 was here, I ended up completing my graduation with an average aggregate everyone was proud of, I also was placed in a decent company. Where again my peers were getting married, and haven’t achieved/ experienced much in their life, my mom proudly told everyone that “my daughter is an engineer! She got placed in Xyz Company!”

And I just sat there figuring out is this what life is? Is this what everyone are supposed to do to earn money and be independent?

Become an engineer? Become a doctor?

Soon afterwards, I packed my bag with books, laptop and my eyes gleamed with excitement as i stepped into my dream company. I started working, luckily I got placed in a very good happening domain. I was given the opportunity to give life to ideas, I was given a chance to design and develop apps. But if I turn back and look at things, nothing seemed to make sense. What I have learnt from my first standard till engineering, I wasn’t making use of it anywhere, it was outdated. Did I just waste my time? I could have very well acquired and trained myself in these skills on the go and could have used my time for a more productive reason than just study, top the class and earn a degree. 21 years gone.

And things just got worse, every night cuddling my pillow I would spend time asking myself this question – “is this what you want to do for the rest of your life?” This question haunted me. I didn’t want to look back in the future and think again if I just wasted my time in something which never really mattered. This is when I decided to do a self-retrospection towards my life. I am independent, my parents no longer bothered me with their opinion. I was living life, I wanted to make the most of it that my future self will thank me for. Things started changing soon afterwards, the more I realized what I loved doing, the more I set myself free and let myself do it. I wanted to live a life with no regret.

As a child I always loved playing around with colors, so I started painting once again. I loved moving myself to the beats of good music, I started doing it once again. I am in the pursuit of chasing something that actually matters to me than follow a path taken by everyone and wonder if it is the right thing for me. We’re are all unique, what if I was born to be a great artist? Why should I be an engineer? Just because everyone does that and I can earn money? Why shouldn’t I invest time on my painting skills with engineering and get so good at it that it’ll fetch revenue to me?

We are what we do. If we do boring, stupid, monotonous work, chances are we will end up boring, stupid, and monotonous, if you don’t love something, don’t do it. Where there’s love and inspiration I don’t think anything can go wrong.

Why not rethink our decisions and do something that makes us happy?

Exquisite Painting.

One fine evening as I went to pick my sister from her school, she comes running through the gate completely wounded and cries to me that she’s sick of school! She doesn’t like doing the math, or sketching the India map. She’d rather spend hours on the playground with volleyball, rolling on the mud, rise up with bruises and yet never quit.

She was afraid to go home! Everyone forced her to be normal.

As expected, everyone yells at her!

What the hell are you going to do with your life?

She says: I dislike studies. I love volleyball.

Parents thrash her up, relatives criticize and they don’t let her out from her room for a few days. The lil girl was forced to be normal. She was expected to just go to school, with a tidy uniform, come back home just the way she had left for school. Volleyball went down the drains, over protective parents won and they ensured their daughter got a decent education.

Being successful according to them was getting a degree, earn money, and get married. What about that lil girl who could have excelled at volleyball and could have been a champion? Why didn’t one realize the potential that girl had and forced her to be normal?

As a young boy, you would have seen yourself chase the motorcycles and would yearn to at least own a bicycle. But everyone have forced you to be normal and you might have just grown up to be a middle aged man who has exactly no idea what he’s doing with his life. Most people are being told what to do instead of letting them freely choose the path. They don’t really care where it is — so long as it seems awesome to everyone else. Rather than doing what they genuinely love, they take the job that offers the most money, prestige, or accolades. They spend decades of their lives on the wrong path.

A point arises in life where we are all confused about who we are just like Alice.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

“I don’t much care where”

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.” 

— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

At some point or another, they have their identity crisis and realize they have no idea what they really want in life. They have no idea where they are going.

These are the people who wait for contentment until after they graduate from college, or get that promotion, or retire. All the while, their life passed them by and they never really experienced the moment.

Fear not, there’s still hope out there for people who have buried themselves long ago. Consider yourself as an empty drawing book. What do you wanna paint your book with? It’s never too late to chase your passion if you decide to change. Change must be within thyself. Why would you want to be just like everybody else when you were born with a purpose so unique which sets you apart from a million lives? You’re born of stardust and dreams. Don’t let it go in vain.

Here’s something that can help you out to find out what you’re good at. Take a sheet of paper, write down the things you’d love to do rather than spend time sleeping / worrying or do nothing at all. Do some self-retrospection as to how you were when you were younger, you’d be surprised to see your list grow. My list consisted of something like this: Adventures: doing something which I have never done before, reading good novels, get better at sketching and so on. Don’t panic if you have nothing on your list. When that’s the case just try everything. Trial and error method. Try reading a book for a few days, see if you love it. If yes proceed with it. If not move on to sketching, go outdoors take a sheet of paper, try to sketch something, if your heart gets engrossed when you sketch and you’re happy doing it though you aren’t good at it then it’s the way to go! Go out, get some fresh air on a crazy bike ride, go scuba diving, meet new people, learn new things.

Polish yourself, shine like a diamond!

Try everything possible. Stay close to anything that make you feel glad you’re alive. We all could have been a random bunch of molecules floating around in the universe, but yet we’re here. We’re all here with a purpose, to paint ourselves, our empty drawing books.

We are here to live.

Be unique. Be weird.

Buzz goes off the alarm!

Damn! It’s 9am! I am so freaking late for office!!

Took a shower so quickly and I rushed down the stairs, buttoning my checkered shirt, comb held by my teeth, running towards the kitchen to boil milk for coffee. As the milk rose, I was trying to fix my winged eye liner. Gosh! The milk went off, the eye liner blackened my face.

It was chaos!

Looked back into my watch, found I had hardly ten minutes to get ready for office! Damn! Skip breakfast, checked once into the mirror if I appeared good and jumped into my stilettos as I was locking my house to rush for office!

As I was on my way to office, memories gushed in. Tangerine mornings, foggy chilled mornings which filled my soul with life started drawing me into them. The  girl who used to wake up without fail at 5 am , start her day with gratitude and a quick workout amidst the nature was dead and long gone!

I am a mess! We all are that way aren’t we? Everything seems perfectly fine until something comes up and bashes up so hard that we find it hard to fight back and survive! We give up on everything and our last resort would be to sleep to escape reality!

All I wanted to do was to escape reality because my dreams were more beautiful than my life. In dreams I entered a world that was entirely my own. Well days just passed by , I just grew older every day and as a matter of fact I knew I would perish one day without achieving anything at all.

Life tore me into pieces. Rough phase had set in, my personal life had taken a toss and I found it hard to rise and shine. The breeze that flew over my naked face, reminded me that I was still alive. I saw a man on the way who was sketching live images and he appeared like the happiest person on earth. I asked myself,

Is that it? You’re broken, so you surrender yourself to life and let it damage you entirely?

Don’t you have a greater purpose on earth?

There can be a million people out there who sit at their desks, develop applications, get their heart broken, get into depression, and lead a mundane life. But is that what you want to do?

Are you just another sheep in the herd?

I visualized myself in my late 70’s sipping coffee, narrating my life to my grandchildren and all I wanted when I played back the memories on rewind was a life so satisfying which would bring a huge smile on my face reminding me of all the fun times I had chasing my passion instead of getting bogged down by people, society, peer pressure and heartbreaks in my 20’s.

The right time is now! Be the change your older self will thank you for! Liberate, set yourself free. As we grow older priorities change. We tend to bury our passion, we forget why we’re born and we tend to set other unimportant things as a greater priority.

Focus on things that are under your control! Focus on self-development! Make yourself a priority, your career won’t wake up and tell you one day that I’m going to leave you. Find out what sets you apart from the rest, be a weirdo, be unique! Even if you have to move mountains to achieve what you love deep down, go ahead do it! Live a life with no regrets! Why not spend some time on the things which are under our control? People enter and leave your life, few will move on when their destination changes. Are you just going to be stuck in reverse, depressed and expect someone to fix your broken pieces? Or would you rather get up, brush off the wound, sharpen yourself and face the world and be a better person?

The right people will always stay and love you unconditionally.

My Valentine

Love is in the air. From planning candle lit dinner dates to going down on your knees proposing your loved one with a diamond ring under the moon lit sky. The ones who have lost their loved ones, rewind and relive those good memories. I see my friends walk by buying red roses, chocolates and teddy bears, this whole place is romantic, smells of rose.

Even I love somebody just like you all, I want to make this day special for him. It was a battle between my brain and my heart.

Roses?

Nah!

Romantic dinner date?

Nah!

Chocolates? Movie?

Nah! Nah!

As I sat down on the floor with my diary, I find myself breathing heavy, hands shivering I ran out of words to describe my feeling towards someone I love. A strange smile came upon my lips, my inner voice asking me – “Why do you love him so much? “ I started biting the other end of my pencil, lost in thoughts. I have a zillion reasons as to why I love him but I somehow couldn’t pen them down and describe my feelings and what he means to me.

Gosh, you have to look at him when he’s at work! The way he writes a program, it’s crisp and clear! He’s a genius. I’m sure everyone checks him out at the gym when he’s not looking, being 6 feet tall he has that sensuous body which can make a girl go mad. The confidence and attitude he carries makes him unbeatable. Very curious about life and its purpose, he believes human life deserves to do much more than just “you’re born, you work and you die!” He is very passionate about things that matter to him, reads a lot, makes sure his day is productive and of course he loves bikes and photography.

There is nothing better on earth than having a soul that you can connect with on every level. I’m not sure what the future holds for me and him, but all I would still wish for is his happiness, his wellbeing. I am his best friend, I’d never let anything hurt him. I need him because I love him, the uncertain future may play a game so costly that we may have to drift away, heart broken into pieces but secretly I’d still pray someone can heal his broken heart and love him the way I love him.

We all have this special person with whom the conversation goes on for hours, it’s like the world stops spinning and the topics never seem to end. We often get a feeling like our partner completes us, understands us entirely, gives us a push when we are feeling low, gives us strength during our bad days and loves us entirely even though we aren’t perfect. This is what soul mates are all about, that one person without whom your life is incomplete. I appear to be an introvert to the outside world but with him I ramble on about almost everything, I knew he wouldn’t judge me wrong. He may not be the perfect man out there but he’s perfect for me. I adore him a lot, we’re two different individuals but we complete each other perfectly. He is my fate, he is my soulmate.

This one’s for you my love:

“I found my soulmate, I found my one true love, I found my one and only forever and always. I found that in you. I love you. Happy valentine’s day.”

PS: I will try to fix you when you don’t succeed, I will be there to guide you when you need it the most. I will stand by you even if the whole world is not, I promise to be your strength.

 

Invariable Affair

Awed by the idea of getting married?

• Don’t marry for sex.
• Don’t marry because you are of age.
• Don’t marry because you are getting old
• Don’t marry because you are feeling lonely.
• Don’t marry because you need someone to support you financially.
• Don’t marry because of family pressures
• Don’t marry because all your friends are getting married.
• Don’t marry because you like the idea of getting married

But,

“Get married because you are in love, get married because he or she is your best friend and when that love is no more, he or she can still make you smile.” — John dumelo

A lot of us grow up hearing that one day we’re going to have a perfect job, a perfect family, perfect homes and a perfect husband/wife. Expectations lead to disappointments and most people unfortunately don’t get to live up to those expectations.

Sometimes we tend to get biased when in love, we tend to see the person more attractive, more beautiful than they actually are. Sometimes we end up loving the wrong ones, the ones that appear as our best friend may turn out to be our worst nightmares.

You find that one person, you walk up to him, lend him your heart, whilst he’s secretly sharpening his knife to butcher your life, you fall in love. We tend to create a better picture of our loved one in our minds and we start dwelling over there, and when things change, when reality hits in, it’s like we have been drunk and hallucinating over the very idea of falling in love.

It often happens one person loves more in a relationship, you tend to make him/her your entire world. You give everything to make them feel special without expecting anything in return. All you want is their happiness. Sometimes they leave you because they are happier without you and you’d be taken aback, left to collect the broken pieces of your heart wondering what went wrong, how did things fall apart yet secretly hoping that he/she will stay happy, without you. Just that no one can fill the void they have created. The black hole that’s left behind can suck your life into it. And all you want to do is.

SURVIVE!

It’s all about perspectives. The right one for you maybe the wrong one for somebody else. Every relationship is unique. When the “wrong one for you” leaves, it creates space for the “right ones for you”. Enjoy your newly found freedom, invest it on things that matter in the long run. Still brooding over the same matter? Let it go!

Bad relationships are just two people or two families not made for each other. When it’s time to let go, just accept it. It’s like giving up junk food, you know its unhealthy still you would have loved it. Then one day you realize you have just been destroying yourself, because it doesn’t love you back, then it’s time to take it out and replace it with a healthy lifestyle. Spend time on the healthy stuff you missed all this while.

When marrying, ask yourself this question:

Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.

Adventure 2015 – Part One

6 months to go, all excited thinking about the whole venture I patiently waited for winter to come. Stuck up a piece of paper which read –

5 am: wake up!

5.30 – 6.30: Go for a jog!

Something repeated everyday:

Buzz! Went off the alarm!

Snooze said my brain!

Buzz! Went off the alarm!

Damn it! Turn it off! Zzzz. Off to sleep again!

Months passed by, with the progress wheel still at null and one fine day beep! I get a notification on my smart phone!

“Hope you have a pleasant trip to Chandigarh!”

I had chills down my spine, my confidence level went down. Time’s up and am totally unprepared, I had to face something that isn’t my cup of tea. Well let’s give it a try said my brain. The day was finally here, soon afterwards I remember staring at the beautiful necklace of India through the flight window.

Brr! I need my jacket!

As I wandered in one of the cleanest city of India, The cold wind gave me goosebumps. Hot paratas satisfied my hunger and soon afterwards we had to get going. We boarded the next bus which drove to patankhot! It was 3 am in the morning. I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb! The temperature had dropped further and we had to stroll towards the bus stand to continue the journey further.

Finally, we reached the base camp at Dalhousie. Felt awesome when the sun kissed us after ages. We could see the Snow Mountains from a distance and we were awed by its beauty.  It was the beginning of a great adventure! Soon afterwards we unpacked our bags, got down to play cricket while the sun still shone and were trying to get acclimatized to the weather condition. When the evening hit us, the temperature went down to zero, we all craved for hot momos. We found a nearby place were a lad was selling freshly made momos, omlet and guess what they had set up a small campfire! We all ran to get some heat and make ourselves warm.

To be continued…

Sinking Soul

Beautiful young Sarah was rushing downstairs one evening, her hair let loose, breeze over her face and she bumps into handsome young Jason.

Was it love at first sight?

Sarah: Oops! Am so sorry!

Jason: No lady! Careful Next time. **Grumpily**

Nope. It wasn’t love!

The green campus was filled with beautiful young hearts fluttering all over and few love birds in some corner. Eyes kept meeting after the first accident, yet the lips never spoke.

Coffee??

Both of them in sync one fine evening.

And then it all began as “friends”. Sarah ruled the world, very talkative, barely left out a few seconds for Jason to speak up. Two lost souls trying to find the meaning of life found comfort in each other. Sarah took it to the next level “best friends”, he had nothing much to say. The initial grumpy lad had grown into a polite beautiful soul who loved the companionship of Sarah. Then once again she went a step ahead, claimed Jason as her “boyfriend”. Jason was confused how fast things were changing, he felt warm when she was around but he wasn’t sure of the way the tables turned.

By now it was “love”. Why is it that we always have someone in our life who seems irreplaceable? First love is the best love. There may be a million guys better than Jason, but it was him whom Sarah loved. There can be only one Jason in her life, no one can fill the void created by Jason. Does love make one go crazy?

Find what you love and let it kill you!

Millions of galaxies, infinite number of stars! The gases and the star dust blended perfectly to make an environment suitable for living and all we find is that missing puzzle piece who will rip us apart!?

Some come into our lives as storm and drain the life out of you, some stay like a tornado and take you to a better place. No relationship is a waste of time. Every love story is beautiful. Attachments may weigh you down, drain you of your all. Love could be your awe-inspiring strength or your dirty weakness.

Twists and turns, that’s what that makes the ride worthwhile.

The dark hours.

Waking up with a glow on my face, leaving behind a good morning text to my favorite person, spending few hours in office, I wait to get back home with the thought of that special one lingering in my head. My day starts and ends with the same person. I am basically an introvert just like most of you, I take time to crack up. It’s hard for me to express my feelings.

But as the night crawls in, do I send a goodnight text? Nope! Things start getting real. In my opinion most of us open up more easily. You’re able to express your thoughts, how special that person is to you. From discussing how we were made out of star dust trying to figure out the purpose of life to examining the millions of tiny atoms that has made us, every conversation starts making sense with that special one. You are yourself with that person. Late night conversations, talking over the phone till dawn, discussing about the uncertain future, fantasizing over things felt so relaxing. Our conversations just flow, not forced, not coerced.

But sometimes reality can hit us.

I look at the moon and admire it, I wish I could make it mine. I admire you, I look at you in a way no one else has ever seen you. Someday I watch you shine gracefully, it brings a smile on my face, someday you disappear, and my heart yearns to see you once again. Your light brightens up my tiny world and reminds me of the very reason why I need you, I’m a step ahead in my life with you. Tell me everything about you, I want to listen to you talk.

I miss you every second, I am lost wandering trying to find you, and my eyes will always search for you. I don’t remember if I loved you for the first moment I saw you or the second or the third. All I knew was the world seemed to vanish when I was with you. We understand each other in a way no one else can, we are connected eternally.

But, are you mine?

Everything seems so uncertain, I am crumbled. But I feel euphoric with you by my side. I’d be curling up, you’d be fast asleep and I’d stay awake trying to put down what I feel into words. I hope someday you’ll be drawn towards me the way I am towards you. We’re two different souls, yet so comfortable with each other. You wiped my tears when no one else cared, you care for me in a way no one else will ever understand. Just answer me.

 Will you be mine? Forever and always?

Earn & Burn.

I recall my college days, carrying a heavy bag on my shoulder, gulping food and dad comes up to me , hands me 2 rupees (yeah! That was for my expenses) and soon after I would rush bumping into everyone so that I wouldn’t miss my bus!

Crowded as hell! I would find some spot for me to stand amidst aunties carrying groceries to women all dressed up going to office and a lot of men in the latter portion of the bus.

Someone yelling: “You must bring change! I cannot give change!”

It was the usual conductor, crotchety and grumpy asking everyone for change! It used to cost me 1.5 rupees to reach my college. I handed him over a 2 rupee coin and lo! He parades away without returning the change!

Bhai, meri 50 paisa dedo!! *** Brother! Give me my 50 paisa! ***

All eyes turn around, stare at me! I was like what?! It’s my wealth after all!! Little did they know how valuable that 50 paisa was for me! If I collected 10 of them it would be like 5 bucks! And gosh! That was a great deal for me! I could buy my favorite candy and what not!

Well that’s history.

Here I am, reaping well than I had ever dreamt of. I earn and I burn. I am happy with my life. I often see people quite not thrilled with their life, no matter how much you earn, you crave more! Your necessities, your style of living changes with time!

Mum: This isn’t how you’re supposed to be! Why do you spend so much on your arts / novels ?

Me: Amma! This makes me happy!

Well I do agree that some sort of careful expenditure must be set out to have a safe future, for your family, but I strongly disagree with people who just live saving every penny and not make themselves happy and wait until they die. Someday when you’re on your deathbed , you should be happy recollecting all the cool stuff you did when you were young and energetic, have a story to tell your grandchildren , to laugh together, to relive those crazy moments!

In my opinion, one must do what gives them a pleasant feeling. I love having supper at a good place, reading books and I love watching new movies as soon as they’re released. Of course a decade ago, none of these were affordable but yes here I am making myself happy. These tiny things make me happy. But others often look at it like I’m a girl who isn’t agitated much or maybe engrossed about the future. Well here’s what I have to say-“None of us get out alive! So why not live in the moment and make yourself happy?”

Go out! get yourself an ice cream, grab a book to read, and watch your favorite movie! Save some money and plan something big and crazy.Quit being burdened and anxious! Live for today, do not live in the magical land of tomorrow!

Spend when necessary on the small things that make you happy!